I've been reading Heather's blog, and it's got me thinking. She's writing about things I've been thinking for quite some time in my own head. I think I'm not even half the mother to my youngest that I was to my oldest. Sometimes she follows me around and fusses and I get frustrated, and then I realize that what she really wants is to be engaged. But it often doesn't change the course of the day. I feel so busy. Or sometimes so lazy. Today was a day I just didn't have it in me. I did get much done this morning, but in the afternoon I was so tired. I get more irritable than I want to be. It isn't even about losing my temper or yelling, lately it's more about disengaging.
I was trying to apologize to Ethan for being a bit irritable in the hot tub tonight. He thinks of it more as a small pool. I wanted to relax and he wanted to splash. Anyway, I apologize to him, and he says, "That's okay. I know I'm annoying sometimes." This breaks my heart. I want him to feel like he is safe and loved and enjoyed in his family and in his home.
We had a great talk after that. It started with him asking me, "Who is your favorite kid, me, Grace or Gertie? It's okay if it isn't me. I just want to know." Wow. I talked to him about my favorite things about him. That was easy. I love to watch him happy. Nothing beats it. And I wish you could have seen him when I picked him up from basketball camp this morning. He was so intense. All the kids were off the court except Ethan and one other kid. Ethan was dribbling across the court, darting in and out of cones. He did this endless times. He didn't look up to see if I was watching (which he often does). This was for him. He was working on improving his skills. He was serious. It was beautiful. I love his sense of humor, which is EXACTLY like his Dad's. They love to rhyme. Ethan's been rhyming since he's been talking. And it makes him laugh. I love that.
So I too am going to commit to engaging my kids more. From Grace down to Gertie, I need to stop checking out.
3 comments:
Thanks Jessica. It was kind of scary realizing much of what I wrote and putting it out there for the whole world to see. But at the same time it's strengthening.
And it is most definitely nice to know that someone else understands where I'm coming from and gets right to my point in the midst of all my rambling on. Especially someone I admire so much in the mothering department. Thank you for your encouragement and your honesty.
hey mom,
I think you do an OK job, though I'm not at home very much either. Don't feel so bad.
Grace is right Jessica, you're a mom, wife, teacher, maid, cook,...do I need to go on? We do the best we can! I think when we acknowledge something it's easier to change!!! I always think you have everything so together!!! It's nice to know you're just like me!!!
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